Shopping with Uncooperative Legs

Tuesday the 24th of November I had intended to go to the gym and then to Meijers and Target. I had been to the gym just the day before and felt good and sore for it. I was prepared to head out, had my gym bag packed, and the list in my purse. Fortunately common sense hit me as I reached for my jacket on my way out. "You must be daft!" I thought to myself. I going to the gym to work my butt and belly off and then plan to wade through pre-Thanksgiving crowds. I grabbed my gym bag, changed, and headed to Meijer's.

Holy Toledo was it crowded. When buying produce you can only buy so far ahead. As I hit each section of the store I checked my list to make sure that I hadn't missed anything. I had hoped to avoid roaming back and forth. Needless to say I missed a few things and did a bit of roaming despite my efforts.

Patience is a virtue and its also a necessity when shopping with most of the population. However fatigue can cause involuntary patience. Every isle was crowed. I waited until someone realized they had blocked traffic and then plodded along. Others had no clue who was around them, an excuse me and a smile usually worked, bumping into them and then apologizing was only a thought.

So, I waited and worked my way along to the front of the store and to the registers. Yet, the door far away and the car further yet. Often the person at the register will ask if the bags are too heavy. No, I say as I lift the beer to another area of the cart with one hand. The arms are stronger but the legs are weaker. Once at the van I easily put the bags, beer, and soda in the van and then maneuvered awkwardly around the van to put the cart away.

Target wasn't bad, short list. However it's still a big store. Once back in the

van with a plastic bag I was ready for home and a nap. Bob unloaded the van and helped put things away. When he's there to do that it's wonderful! Alone, I've had to put cold stuff away and then come back to load the pantry after a rest. It's not fun coming into a room with stuff that needs to be put away. (Thanks Bob!)

My next plan was to sit down at the computer and write about this.

I took a nap instead.

3:40 P.M.

Thank goodness for t.v. in resturants

I know it's been a long time since I've blogged but, when Autumn hits life get busy for me.

My husband had the day off today, so after I came home from the gym we headed out to lunch. We went to a place we hadn't visited before. I notice a few large flat t.v. screens but focused on choosing lunch. I was starved. Lunch was served and as I ate I noticed that Bob was watching something rather closely. I asked about it and he said, "It's a shuttle launch." I spun around and watched. Noticing the count down I turned around ready to say "What the Hell is wrong with you???? Why didn't you tell me! I haven't seen a launch in years!" Actually I said, "Wow, this is great." I remained turned toward the screen while it safely BLASTED off and then watched the solid rocket boosters detached. I ate a bit and then turned, waited and watched the external tank detach. I don't remember at what time period it rotated, but that was SO COOL.

I was leaning out of our booth with my hand up to my chest saying things like, there they go, wow that's so cool, and other nerdy things. At one point Bob told me to eat my lunch, or something like that. I continued to watch.

We had a really nice lunch together and enjoyed each others company, but I have to tell you watching the launch was as good as desert.

My cousin works at NASA and I just finished writing her an enthusiastic email.


OH! The Leonid show is coming up in a couple nights. Hope the skies are clear.

I'm a nerd and proud of it. Tonight The Big Bang is on.

8:30 p.m.

Sometimes you have to take charge.

Okay, I had stated earlier that I attended AA because I had found myself hiding in alcohol. I was gad I went there but I've come to a point were I don't wish to go. I've met some very nice people and some very strange people. I've learned that I'm not alone but much of the time I felt, well, at a loss for words. Many people's lives were destroyed by alcohol, many people nearly died. I benefited from listening and talking and taking part in the meetings. However as my legs grew worse I had found myself sitting there physically, not mentally. Actually the steps, except for the first, mean little to me. "I am powerless over alcohol.." Well, I'm powerless over life. We all are.

I've found escape and relief through activities and responsibilities at home. I haven't been to a meeting in over a week and don't know when or if I'll return. I need to talk about life not drinking. I had reached a point where I started passing instead of talking. Someone I came to know, the only other who didn't believe in religion, gave me a book called The Evolution of God. It's about the development of mankind and religions around the globe. That Anthropologist that I wanted to be when I was a kid, likes the sound of that.

So, I'm not drinking and I'm doing it on my own. It feels quite good actually. I felt bad for many of those people, yet at times I just wanted to get home where I felt I belonged.

I suppose I'm working on my own program. This blog will let you know how it's going, I'm sure.

6:50 pm

Trying To Skip Housework

Sunday I was going to do a bit of writing. I have a story that I'm working on. It will most likely always be a story that I'm working on. I like essays because character and story development boggle the mind. However I ended up sweeping the hard floors, vacuuming the house, dusting, cleaning the bathrooms, pulling out a bit of garden, ironing six shirts, and then I finished my Halloween cards. I went to bed early and didn't even read. In other words, I didn't write. (However I must admit that ironing to a fun movie is not so bad.)

I attend a writers' group each week on Wednesday. Sometime on Monday, usually in the evening, we receive two words to work with, if we choose. I have a hard time coming up with something worth while in that time frame. I've used the words in short stories, but by the time I write, read, correct, reread and correct again, I'm late for the meeting and have a slapdash piece of work to show for it. Lately I've taken to working on the story afterwards and then sending it out to interested parties. That's been fun, especially this time of year because I made them Halloween stories.

Well, today is Monday and I expect the words any time between now and 9:00, however at 9:00 I'll be watching Two and a Half Men. A few times I've complained about the time frame and getting things done. Once a member said, oh Pam, forget the house work and just write. I have a hard time with that. I can't work when I have things hanging over my head. So as on that Sunday writing doesn't often happen if I'm behind, yet with house work there's always something to be done.

My house is by no means spotless, but what I'm able to do wears me out and when I'm tired I tend to sit and stare at the screen. So reading is a better option when tired.

8:45 p.m.

He wouldn't let me give up.

Last week I started getting ready for Halloween. I already knew that getting all my fun decorations up would be challenging, but I hadn't expected how challenging. The weather had taken a quick turn to chilly and I needed some warm clothes too. So, besides the nightmare of trying on jeans, getting clothes and decorations up and down in laundry baskets was a pain in the arse. Okay, difficult.

I was smart enough to ask Marie and her boyfriend to bring up the two boxes marked Halloween. One was for the kitchen hutch and around the house the other was for the mantel. Now, I had to get all the lovely china, much of which were grandma's tea cups, down stairs in one piece. During the spring and summer I decorate the hutch with plates and tea cups with flowers on them. The china is old and delicate. I decided to multitastk and used my walker to wheel in a laundry basket of summer clothes put some china around and in them. I ended up with three baskets of clothes and china to go downstairs.

I put the baskets to the side and dusted down the hutch and started pulling out Halloween. It was great! Before too long it was done the box was empty. Bob then took the baskets down for me, where I stored away the china. I then emptied the plastic storage container and put the rest of my winter clothes on the couch so I could put summer clothes in it. I was almost done but completely whipped!!!! I was looking at a couch of sweaters and such while my feet hurt and legs ached and trembled. There was no way I was going to be able to get that stuff upstairs. I didn't even think that I would get myself upstairs.

I sat for a moment and decided to leave it. It was Tuesday which is an AA night for me, but I didn't feel like it. However, I had received a call that a friend was bringing a book for me that I was interested in. Crap, I had to go.

I went to find it crowed yet missing the only reason I came. I sat through the meet at a table of people I knew but I didn't talk. My mind wasn't there. It was at home. I was thinking about the stairs, cards I want to make, fatigue, a party I'm going to have, fatigue, and the mantel that hadn't been done yet.

When I came home Bob greeted me I started to cry. (tired) I told him that I can't do it any more. It's too much. He came over to me and told me not to worry, that we'll do the mantel together. He said people are here to help you, and to let them.

I put on my robe and curled up on the couch feeling comfortable and comforted. It's just hard to let someone help me when I've always done it myself. I don't mean my way, but independent of others. I have taken a some pride, but mostly enjoyment, in my celebration of Halloween and then there's those three Xmas trees downstairs. (that will be another blog.)

As of now the mantel is decorated and looks absolutely spooky!

Thank you Bob! You're the best thing since The Great Pumpkin.

3:45 p.m.

Ahhh! Muffin top strikes again.

I love the fall and Halloween, but putting those jeans on is horribly depressing. Muffin top, okay, who the heck came up with that term. I don't even eat muffins! I've been going to the gym all summer and watching, most of the time, what I eat, but it's not as I had hoped. It be just lovely one fall afternoon to slip on my jeans and zip them up with out thinking *#@&!

I know I'm 50 now and things are different but I'm going to the gym every day now, rather then three a weak, and watching my weight watcher points in hopes of being able to wear a snug top with my jeans. (I want my matabolisum back!)

I know this is small stuff and has nothing to do with my legs, but it's helpful to bitch. (Now if I've offended anyone with that word, sorry. Hell, you should hear me with my girl friends, and I found out at a wedding this weekend that my cousin-in-laws are loose lipped too! It's just fun to let it all hang out sometimes.)

9:05 p.m.

Flat Rock Speedway - ZOOM!!!!!

It's been a while since I've written in my blog, often times life gets in the way. Besides, the weather has been beautiful and I've been playing around with my stamping/card making stuff too. So, besides the things that I should do, I have too many other things that I want to do.

Anyways on the 5th of September we went to Flat Rock Speed Way. What is that? Well, it's about one of the most fun places to be, if you don't mind a sore fanny from a hard seat and really loud cars. zoom, zoom, zoom!!

Flat Rock Speedway is a race track for stock cars. Stock cars are cars in the sense that they were once an actual model. Their former identity can be seen if you look closely. However what is really seen are the enhancements for safety in the frame and within the vehicle, leaving room for only the driver wearing fire retardent clothing. Sheets of metal advertising the sponsors are attached to the framework, perhaps by a staple gun. The sheets of metal stay on during the races, yet after a collision, I've seen a good deal of brute force put things right.

Once the cars started their time trials my blood started flowing. The weariness I felt during the long drive had vanished. After the time trials were finished they began to prepare for the first race. I went down to the black top walk way in front of the stands, where I kept my distance from the fence as required. I walked down as the tightly packed swarm of cars circled the track. Once seeing the white flag I turned and to headed back. I slowed and stopped, hearing the engines surging as they approached the green flag. I made sure that I was far enough from the flag so that the cars would be tearing into the race as they passed me. I looked over and saw the fag flapping madly in the air and heard the rumble of the engines as they swiftly headed toward me. As they swept past me my rib cage vibrated with their roar. An involentary smile spread across my face as I felt that surge of excitement that has always been there at Flat Rock.

As they thundered past I could imagine the tension and concentration in each driver. These are not professionals in the sense of NASCAR, but guys working hard, racing hard, and playing hard I'm sure. In the pit were flat bed trailers and the necessary people, much of the the friends and family were up in the stands. At times words could be heard from one group to another. It was a definite indication of dissatisfaction which would then lead to more colorful speeches. This last race was entertaining without any complications. Years ago the County Sheriff ran up into the stands to preserve the peace. This time I didn't see any Sheriff only security guards, oh and beer.

When I was a young my family went a few times each summer. Back then it was a dirt track and the the cars seemed bigger and bulkier. That's the way I remember it. My dad was dead familiar with the racing. He had known a man who raced back then. So, we always cheered for him. Dad had done some racing, for fun not competition. I have found some interesting pictures of my dad sitting in a car giving the camera the bird with a pack of cigarettes rolled up in his t-shirt sleeve. That was Dad, cars, motorcycles, and airplanes. The colorful information was withheld until my later years. I wish I had heard more.

What is Spastic Paraplegia

I'm afraid that I'm rather limited in my ability to define the disease. I know what's going on but to describe it and sound somewhat intelligent is not easy for me. The best I can tell you is that it's a royal pain in the ass. I figure that's rather insufficient so I'm going to do try a little harder. I will resort to copying off the web sight.

HSP (hereditary spastic paraplegia) and PLS (primary lateral sclerosis) are caused by degeneration of the upper motor neurons. Upper motor neurons are the nerve cells that control voluntary movement. They are located on the motor cortex of the brain and carry messages to the brain stem and spinal cord. They connect to other nerves called "lower motor neurons:, which carry the messages out to the muscles to tell them to move.

When there is degeneration in the upper motor neurons, messages cannot adequately reach the lower motor neurons and their messages to the corresponding muscles are impaired. This causes the muscles to be weak and muscle tone to be increased, resulting in stiffness or spasticity.

In both HSP and PLS, nerve degeneration occurs in the lower part of the spinal cord, resulting in weakness and spasticity in the lower body. In PLS, degeneration also occurs in higher regions in the spinal cord and brainstem, causing weakness and spasticity in the arms, slurred speech and difficulty swallowing. This can also happen to a smaller degree in HSP.

Since the HSP and PLS share the same lower body symptoms the true diagnosis is usually discovered over time as symptoms develope.

Dr. Fink has called my case ASP (apparently sparatic paraplegia), since I couldnt' find anyone in the family who had a problem. My cousin Maggie had been a nurse in England and she once came across a patient prepared for surgery and SP was on her chart. I suppose they just called it that. It's all the same really.

All this information, and more, can be found at http://www.sp-foundation.org/. *("And now for something completely different.")

*Monty Python

4:15 p.m.

Alcohol and I

Yes I belong to AA. Many of my friends and family were surprised because I believe that most people think an alcoholic is someone you find sitting on the curb drinking out of a paper bag, or who is constantly drunk.

I didn't fit that category. I fit a more common category. I had been drinking a couple classes of wine each and every night for years. Then around the age of 40 I found myself looking forward to that wine around dinner time, then around lunch I was already thinking about it. I also found that when on medication my first reaction was to see if I could drink. Now these glasses of wine were not like the ones you pay a bottle's price for in a restaurant, they were full.

I was finding difficulties with my legs and had started looking from doctor to doctor to find out what the heck was going on. In the mean time there was nothing like disappearing with the wine at night.

Some time before my diagnosis with SP, my folks bought a condo just two miles away. The object was for them to be close so that I could help Mom with Dad who was suffering with Alzheimer's. Actually the family suffers too. Well, during the move, Mom wasn't feeling well and after seeing a couple doctors she was quickly diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. "God won't give you any more than you can handle." Bull Crap!! You just have to handle it. And the wine felt good.

So I believe that while Mom and Dad were sick and my health was still being determined, I found a comfortable place to go with the help of a couple/few tall glasses of wine. As the years pasted Bob voiced his concern over my drinking. I would tell him that I'd only drink on the weekends, but I couldn't do it. No way!

Dad passed in 2000 and then years and bottles later Mom passed in 2007. By then I was keeping a bottle of Vodka above the fridge, not hard to get to when you're tall, a bottle of sherry down in my craft area, and a few bottles of red in the bar.

While taking the condo apart and organizing all Mom's belongings for charities, drinks in the afternoon were comforting. After all was given away, and sold I continued the habit of having a few during the day. By this time my legs were showing full blown signs of the SP and taking antidepressants and Valium added to the side effects of drinking, still I drank.

One evening I was fed up with my own behavior and found myself at a friend's house, a friend who belonged to AA. That night was my first meeting. I lasted less than a year. I figured that I could handle it and drink wisely. Alcoholism doesn't work that way, it's like an old friend you haven't seen in years. All of a sudden you find yourself comfortable and the old habits come back fast.

Some months later I found myself sitting at a meeting. I was greeted with smiling faces and happy hello's. However when it was my turn to talk I cried a bit and spilled my guts. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. Once home Bob and I talked. I told him were the bottles were and he poured them out. After that I went to a meeting every night for a couple of months, then five meetings a week, then three, now two.

S0, there it is. I no longer think about drinking at lunch or dinner, and I don' want it at night. I'd fallen off the wagon since, but climbed back on. I found it a learning experience and I wasn't alone. So, I have phone numbers in my cell and when I'm out of town or having a problem I'm going to call someone. I also have an AA book of meetings in my glove box when out of town I could call the 800 number to find a meeting, if needed.

I'm doing well. I can't say that I don't think about it. When I watch movies and there is drinking, I find myself thinking of that drink, but it goes away. I don't go to bars to hear music with Bob, it's just too much. I'm glad he has band friends that can go with him.

However I have a problem with AA, I wish that it wasn't so God oriented. You'd have to know the 12 steps but there is God, "or the God of your own making" in nearly all the steps. I no longer hide my feelings about it. I can't. Perhaps that's why I only go to two meetings a week now. Yes, I feel empowered to stay in control and to know that I'm not alone, but I don't go to church and sometimes when I'm there I feel like I'm in church. The meetings are ended with a prayer. I don't say it, it would be hypocritical. I do like the Serenity Prayer, only I drop the God.

In regards to my experiences with drinking I hope this was, or may be helpful to someone, some where. I'm glad I wrote it down but I found it made me feel a bit off, depressed. (I need a movie)

7:50 p.m.

If at First You Don't Succeed...............

Okay, I had mentioned that I started using my walker to hold the watering cans. That wasn't working out so well, the hill was winning. Well, I won't be beat. So, I hooked up a hose that's not too long to a spiket with two outlets, and pulled it up to the front keeping it close to the house. I then curled it up behind a large Burning bush where it sits until needed. Now when I water I pull down the long hose and my fancy watering wand, put them all together and water away.

First I water the part by the front door, then the flowers in front and then I head down to bottom of the hill to get our new patch of Pachysandras. At that point I turn the water off, empty the hose, detach and start winding it up. The hill is great for getting all the water out of the hose. I then curl up the little hose too and it's all done and put away.

Now, that sounds more practical and it is, but man is that hose heavy when it's full of water. It's a good thing I'm going to the gym. I'm definitely using the arms to drag and lift. In the mean time I'm out there with out the cane or walker, pausing frequently to reclaim my balance. When a neighbor drives by and honks or waves I do my best to remain up right and wave back. It's good that gardens are in the lawn, it makes for a softer landing. However, so far so good.

9:30 p.m.

Trying To Get Good Shots (pictures)

This past Saturday evening a band that Bob is in joined up with another band at a friend's house. I usually take pictures but this time I was asked by the bass player to take pictures, with his camera. His camera is different and I wanted to do a good job. So, I played around with it first. (Got this little fan dancing with mine.)

Okay, now imagine setting a camera up to take shots for some one and finding that the legs on the tripod don't work well. That's sort of how I felt, swatting at mosquitoes didn't help either. I wanted to get close so I gave up on the walker. The cane was a pain in the butt too because I had to keep switching hands and finding a place for the cane to be. Down on the ground is where it usually ended up and was then difficult to retrieve.

After getting some shots while standing at all accessible angels I abandoned the cane and got down on the ground. No, I didn't care what any one was thinking. Just years ago I would get down on my belly and get some good rock-n-roll shots. This year I was on my knees with a much better camera having a ball. Instead of getting up and relocating I sort of crawled, okay I crawled to the next musician. That actually wasn't bad at all, but then I had to get up. 'The giraffe at the watering hole.' as Andy calls me, was able to stand without much trouble at all. *("And there was much rejoicing. yeah............")

I don't have any of those shots, but I did get one of this little boy who just loved to be up there with the band. First he was dancing up a storm out on the lawn and then he was standing between the lead guitarist and bass player having one heck of a time.

When I had returned to 'audience' an older man came up to me and kindly asked about my situation. His daughter has a nurological condition that resulted from a head injury. Her brain senses pain in her feet, pain that's not really there. He said that I made him think of her and commented on my height and build. (I was wondering if she walks like a drunk.) He smiled sweetly, padded me on the back wished me well. I smile just thinking of him.

After I joined some friends I sang, danced, clapped to the beat and hollered good and loud. That's what I was doing anyways. (I'm the loudest fan and find it very hard to just stand still. There's always hips, shoulders, and arms to move about. My spirit makes up for my legs.)

* From Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

8:50 p.m.

Loosing Someone

It's been hard to write this week because on Monday I learned that my cousin Maggie died of a brain aneurysm. She was 58. I had come home from the gym to receive a call from my cousin in the Orkney Islands of Scotland. My cheery hello lead to tears as she told me what had happened.
I was surprised at how hard it hit me. I've know Maggie for many years, have

seen her many times, and there's the phone and Internet. The sudden shock was devastating. I found my thoughts going to her husband and the rest of the

family and friends. People die all the time, but when it hits home it seems so unreal and unfair. Life will never be fair, we have to accept it and adapt.

Well, now it's Thursday and I'm doing much better. I figure much of that has to do with trying to be helpful somehow. I'm far away, but I've talked to her sister-in-law and have sent pictures and a bit of a eulogy from my sister Audrey and I.

It will be unbelievable for a very long time, especially since I'm so far removed, location wise that is. I plan to write to Malcolm, her husband, about once a week and send it snail mail. He doesn't use the computer and I'm hoping that receiving a short up lifting letter will help a bit.

Malcolm had called me Monday night and talked for nearly a half hour. I did my best to keep it together. I felt so sad and also apart of his life. It had been by mother's ambition to bring and keep the family together despite the distance. We said our good byes and I love yous. Needless to say I couldn't keep it together after that.

I'll miss you Maggie.

Dow Gardens in Midland Michigan

We went to Midland to visit the Dow Gardens. What a beautiful and inspiring place. There are plants over a hundred years old on acres of land. What I think is the family home is there, beautifully preserved and surrounded by fantastic trees.

This time of year there are hundreds of thousands of are annuals placed on the grounds. A paved walk way circles the gardens and a couple of bridges have to be crossed. The bridges cross a creek that feeds into a pond. There is also a children's garden with all sorts of vegetables and a pump the kids can fill watering cans with. Not far from that is a rose garden. I love roses and they were lovely but showed signs of Japanese Beetle damage. I don't recall seeing those horrible beetles in Britain. The roses I had seen in Britain were healthier looking too. Perhaps it's getting late in the season right know. The heat must be hard on them.

As I said it's a very large area, we were there about three hours. We had taken a wheel chair that was given to me by a friend from when I went to Curves. I pushed it for quite awhile and then Bob pushed me. When it came to a few steep hills I helped with the wheels. It's not designed to be wheeled by the occupant entirely. I'm sure glad we took it. I wish we could have gone 'off road' a few more times to see waterfalls and stuff, but at least I was able to get all the way through and back, with Bob's help of course. I know that I couldn't have done much at all if we hadn't had the chair.

I have to admit it felt great to sit a and get pushed when my legs were protesting, but I never really thought it would come to this. I suppose that years ago when I learn about SP I didn't think that things wouldn't change much. It's hard to imagine that. I sort of figured I'd just plug along limping a bit.

Bob's a gem. He says he loves to help me. I was worried about him feeling like he didn't see all that he would have liked. Just being together was the best. Together at the gardens and together on the same page of life.

9:10 p.m.

AA and me

There have been many times when I wished that something could help me, regarding my legs, as AA helps me. AA helps me spiritually and in many other ways too. It's the people mostly and all the sharing, to know that I'm not alone.

Tonight I went to my usual Thursday night meeting. This month I'm opening the meetings. I like doing that, getting up in front of everyone and saying what is to be said and sometimes joking a bit. (who me?) Part of the opening is to ask if there are any anniversaries tonight. When no one spoke up, I said that I have one, but it's marriage and doesn't count. I was asked how long and told them 26 years. I received a good round of applause. (Long marriages are not common with alcoholics)

I have found that this blog, no matter who sees it, and my essays, are a great help to me while dealing with the spastic paraplegia. It's a hobby that takes my mind to different places. It also helps with the alcohol too. You need a distraction, something that pulls at you.

9:00 p.m.

Handling the Gardening and Landing Well

I try to handle changes pretty well, but there comes a time when I get tired of them. Each spring I've found gardening more difficult, but I've worked with it and have enjoyed the flowers still. In the past I've filled up two watering cans and carried them up to the front to water the plants near the garage, that don't benefit from the sprinklers, and the pots on the porch. When its hot and sunny I try to do it twice a day. Well, this year I've found it very difficult to get up the hill with the full watering cans. Actually today I threw in the towel. At times I feel like I might twist an ankle or fall and break something. So, I pulled out the walker and took it down to the faucet along with the watering cans. It was tricky but I filled them up and carefully pushed the walker, and the two cans on the seat, up the hill. Once up to the driveway it's flat and easy.

Yes, I figured a way to make the watering work, but it makes me bit angry. It's very difficult to carry things up hill, but pushing and maneuvering is still difficult, but less dangerous.

A couple summers ago I started using the red wagon to haul all the things needed around the garden. However, this spring I noticed that I have difficulty walking while pulling the wagon, especially up and down hill. So, I experimented with my wheeled walker. I found that I could put small stuff in the basket, under the seat, put my container for weeds on the seat, and hang the kneeler over the handles.

My new way of transporting tools helps me walk with them, but now I have to use a smaller basket for weeds which means more trips up to the garage to empty it, which means I get tired from walking back and forth. Hey, as long as I'm out there!

This afternoon I went out to do a bit of weeding and dead heading. I found that my large island of flowers needed water. I ended up in the middle of it with a watering can. I was watering in the usual manner when I shifted my weight in a wrong way, I suppose, because over I went. Slowly is how it felt as I went down, trying to avoid red cone flowers and all those busy flying creatures. Then the hard part, getting up. I did and I'm sure it was a sit to be seen, if anyone across the street was watching. No one drove by at least. At that point I emptied the last can on the outer flowers, tick seed, and then head in to wash up.

I had wondered if I would fall in the middle of a one of my patches of flowers. I couldn't help but think about what I would land on and would I kill something or get stung. I noticed a good amount of weeds while I was down there. Another day.

7:15 p.m.

A Birthday Celebration with Members

Last night I was invited to join a group of people from the club, which is what Bob and I call AA. Actually the term club comes from calling it the auto club, even though it's AA and not AAA. Any ways, I was to met a bunch of people at a restaurant/bar that I had never been to before. I had called earlier to see if it was open because some of us didn't' have power. I found that they were open, but I didn't ask where at the intersection they were located. Big dumby!

I headed out to be there at 6:00. Since I'm not a working girl, (ya, I said that on purpose), I forget how busy the major roads get at rush hour. Crap! Well, I drove along 59 and figured I'd find it and get to it as best I could. Sure enough it appeared on the opposite side of the street. That wasn't as bad as all the traffic I had to work with in order to get to the far left to find a turn around. Not just any turn around, a turn around with a traffic light. So a half mile later I turned around and got where I wanted to be.

It was a nice place and I was familiar with about half the people there. The birthday lady included. It was so nice to hear people say that they were so glad I came. Well, I want to get acquainted with people outside of meetings too, were it's not serious. It was also really nice to be around about a dozen people just drinking coke and iced tea. I had a small salad and then came the cake. Wow!

So that was no big deal, but it just felt good, I felt good. The people I hadn't met before were nice and just like the meetings we all shook hands or hugged while leaving. Actually I'll see a few to night at club, including the birthday lady. She's fun and a bit tacky, just like me. I'm sure I have a card for her somewhere. Better late than never.

3:30 p.m.

Another Blog?

Right now I have three or four ideas for essays floating around in my head, and let me tell you there's a lot of room up there. Anyway, I'm thinking of going over my old stuff, fixing things up, organizing and starting a blog of essays. A title? Need help there. Fam and friends have read many of them. At the writer's group they seem to like my work and think I should try and find an avenue for them. I'll start with a blog.

I have a couple of short stories, but I'm working on that style writing. Stories are very different from essays on real life. As I've said before I'm a big fan of Andy Rooney and Erma Bombeck. Erma did stories too, I think. Wait, I don't remember. Crap, I getting tired.

I noticed that there's a time at the end of the post. However it's wrong!
5:27 p.m.

Julie Powell

I'm almost finished with the book Julie and Julia, saw the movie Friday. Well, I decided to seek out Julie Powell and found her blog! (I thought it was cool) I saw her posting for Friday and she opened by saying something like, 'it's that big day, G. I. Joe is come out. Just kidding, J&J is coming out!' She had 184 comments on that post and I was #185. I told her how she inspired me, etc. Later I saw that she had over 200 comments. It's unlikely that she'll see mine but it was fun to visit.

5:20 p.m.

Dripping

Oh for Pete's sake! I was satisfied with my posting on Friday night, but now it seems to drip with self pity. I've been doing very well since then. I suppose a lot of it is psychological. Sorry about that.

I haven't been to the computer since Friday. On Saturday it rained most of the day so Bob and I decided to go to a couple of stores, Best Buy and Borders. At Best Buy we ended up with a fist full of movies and at Borders I bought a lovely thesaurus. It's huge, and I had a coupon and Borders Cash. That evening we went to the show with our 22 year old son Andy. He's great fun. We saw The Hang Over and laugh throughout the film. Once we were arrived we found our seats. I got up to visit the ladies room and suddenly realized that Andy was right behind me breathing down my neck. I can't walk fast and he was pretending to be impatient. There is a scene, in a Mr. Bean short, where Bean is stuck behind an old lady going slowly down the stairs. As a family we often mimic films, and that's a favorite. Andy finally rushed past me and looked back with a grin. He makes me laugh. When I was first having difficulties Andy would spoof me trying to kick up my heals. I would laugh until my eyes ran, but he won't do it anymore. He says it's not funny. I think it's more than that.

Once home we watched another film. Yes, another. We, rather Andrew and I, love movies. Bob does too but not to the same extent. Anyways we say The international with Clive Owens.
Afterwards Andrew ended up in my walker trying to make it work as a wheel chair. Of course it was very difficult and it wouldn't turn. I don't know which was funnier, the attempt at manipulating the walker or the tall lanky young adult in it. In any case it's fun to laugh as a family. Marie came home a bit later and watched what was left of SNL with us. It was absolutely delightful have all four of us in the living room at the same time, having a good time. We were all talking and laughing and nice to each other. Now that was a good time.

Today it's around 90 and jungle humid. I spent a few hours pulling weeds. Wholly crap! I was dripping wet. (better than with pity) I had my wheeled walker loaded with what I needed and headed out back. I was able to stay in the shade some of the time but when it's humid it doesn't matter much.

Now if I had MS, which they first told me I had, I couldn't have gone outside. The heat is bad for MS, but it doesn't matter to me. My legs are now tired from all the ups and downs of gardening but other wise I feel like I did my best. After all who can do much when it's so hot. As I speak Bob is preparing to go for a bike ride. No, I'm not jealous that he can, I just think he's crazy for doing it. He was out trimming trees and stuff earlier. I don't even want to sit on the porch and read!

5:11 p.m.

I Went to the Movies to Escape.

I had mentioned, at one point, that I had started reading Julie and Julia and that I was so taken by the book that I decided to start this blog. I have nearly finished the book yet the movie came out today. I wanted to sit back, watch and take it in.

It was a lovely story that hit home. Well, actually it didn't really hit home, it was more like a foul ball, but I could identify with the character. She felt as if she was drowning in her life. She sat in a cubicle answering a phone without the ability to make differences. She felt she needed purpose. I feel similar feelings for different reasons. I definitely feel like I'm drowning in my life at times. I realize that I have a good life and I'm much better off than many others, however I don't laugh as much as I used to and I hear that I don't smile as much either.

At times I feel like I'm drowning in limitations, small and large and the fatigue. I have to use my wheeled walker when walking through the house in order to avoid clinging to doorways and because it very difficult to carry and walk. I walk without it but it I have to consintrate on my footing. (my waitressing days are over!) I don't ride my bike vary far. I may ride it short distances in the neighborhood but not near traffic. If I fall at the wrong time it could be bad. A wrist still hurts and my thighs are spotted with bruises from the last ride and fall. (Falling is for kids, they get up easier.) Walking around the neighborhood with my walker is exhausting, but I like to run into neighbors and look at gardens. Fatigue is a limitaion that drives me nuts. I've decided to cut back on the gym. I'm going to go three days a week instead of five. After the gym I have little energy to do what needs to be done and then there's nothing left for the things I really enjoy. It has started to effect my writing, reading, and card making. I know that sounds like fluff, but if you can't have fun you are no fun.

So, anyway, the movie had a delightful ending which sent me into deep thought during my drive home. If my blog is read by someone or affects someone that would surely make me smile. I've heard from a few people and was surprised at their reactions. I smile now just because the writing makes me feel good. To tell my story in short stories is important to me for some reason. Mostly I hope that someone can identify with me and that some day in the future my kids will be interested in their mom. I would love to be able to read about my mom.

I don't mean to sound pitiful yet, I need to find happiness, I know it's around me. I need to get to those projects that give me pleasure and to see the pleasures in each day. The days are physically challenging but I have to get past that. It's just apart of my life. (When I say I'm hanging in there, I really am. I don't just fall off bikes. It's sort of like living in the fun house.)

So instead of escaping at the movies I was driven to keep trying. I'm trying to have a purpose of some kind.

A.A.

July 31, 2009 by pam

In a few I’m heading out to a meeting. I don’t feel like I need one but don’t wish get that feeling. I go three times a week and when I go I feel renewed and strong. It’s the people and the spilling of the guts. I’ve made a few friends and it’s another way to connect with people with something in common. It’s not a great thing to have in common, but the problem is understood at AA. We can speak more freely than we can at home or with some friends. We’ve all been up Shit’s Creek at least now we have a paddle. I probably will just listen tonight. I usually speak but I don’t have anything new to say and sometimes the tables get pretty crowded and it’s nice to keep it short. Once home I’ll drink tea and disappear into a book or a movie if my husband is willing. It was hard at first but now I feel in control and physically well. My husband’s pride is another benefit.

When My Intentions are Greater than My Ability.

31, 2009 by pamflan

Yesterday I didn’t have an appointment at the gym and wished to find some other way to exercise. After breakfast and the usual straightening up I was prepared to head out on my bike to go around Stoney Creek Metro Park. It was a good thing I had the whole day to myself because the first thing I did was check my emails, which lead to finishing the rough draft on a story for writers club. So sometime in the early afternoon I headed out.
With SP one of the hardest parts of biking is getting on and off. I have a boys bike and staying steady and swinging that leg over can be an interesting experience. I have a walkout basement, which means I go downstairs and put the bike out with all the stuff I may need for the ride, lock up, go back upstairs, make a final trip to the bathroom, and go out the front and down and around for the bike. Once I have the bike I’m pretty good and stable. Getting to it looks interesting. It’s as if that hill gets steeper each year. Anyways, out in front I wheeled the bike onto the lawn. I figured that if I fell, I’d most likely just get a bruise when landing on the grass. I gripped the brakes, tilted the bike, done! So far so good.
To get into the park I have two choices, one is crossing a major road, 26 mile, which will lead right into the park and on to hilly dirt trails. My second choice is to go to the southern part of my ‘hood’ and take the paved easement which leads into the park. That trail is up hill nearly all the way but I have better luck granny gearing it on pavement than on sand and gravel. So I ended up walking it to the top of the highest point. Bummer! I had been able to get up there just fine in the past, but have to admit that it’s been a few years. I suppose that my issues with balance have put me off biking in the park. Well, I chugged some Propel and continued into the park, gearing up and down and loving every moment of it. The feeling I get with the freedom of movement is hard to describe it’s as if I have wings. It’s like when it used to be when I’d walk without a second thought or break into a run.
I felt I was doing well. I only wished to stop in a special place. Before I got there I passed the northern beach and saw a pathway out of the park on the other side of the road. That would take me to the cemetery where my Mom and Dad are. Another day. I continued along, feeling the wind on my arms, a few bugs hitting my face, then the twitching of my right leg. Actually it’s more of a bounce, like when you put your foot up on your toe and find that spot where you leg will bounce. Well, some people do it, after this sort of exercise my legs do it on there own. I just have to prepare for my foot to leave the pedal as if someone tapped my knee to check my reflexes. After a few more hills, tremors and a good swift reflex kick, I came to the area where I wanted to stop.
There’s a bridge that crosses a babble brook, that is as long as we’ve had enough rain. It was babbling. I stopped and leaned against the rail and could smell the creosote, see leaves being pushed about the rocks, and hear the buzz of insects and the song of birds I hadn’t heard in some time. This place is special to me because it makes me think of my dad. He’s never been there because when they move out this way we were dealing with his Alzheimer’s. However, the area is so much like the place where we went to, as kids, to watch him fly his u-control airplanes. It was off of Outer Drive near the Rouge River. I’m back there each time I stop and look and listen. If I were to hear the sound of a model plane I’d get a lump in my throat.
I left my visit with the past and finished my adventure. Once home I road down to the back and walked as best I could up the hill to the front of the house. I waved to the mail man as I leaned to and fro like a drunken sailor. Getting downstairs was a trip, not literally, but it was interesting. I put everything away and then had the brilliant idea to clean the bathrooms before taking my shower, which would be followed by making dinner and finishing my paper for the writing club. My legs ached and were uncooperative, dinner was minimal, and I was told I looked tired. Well, beats being told ya look tired when you feel great.
Well, after I cleaned up dinner I plopped, literally, in front of the p.c. to make corrections. I then realized that my butt hurt, but good and I smiled. It was hard but it was worth it. I came home from W.C. all smiles. It’s a great group and another type of theory. Good medicine.

Living with Spastic Parapeliga, Alcoholism and Everything Else!

July 28, 2009 by pam

I had started this with a different title, Living Life in the Real World. I want to be more specific. I deal with certain difficulties as do many others and then there’s life. Sometimes that’s difficult enough on its own.
I’m 50 now and when I woke this morning my back hurt. It does most mornings. So, I stretched a bit and started wobbling through the house getting ready for the gym. Wobbling is my description of the way I walk without my walker. I walk like a drunk. I returned to the bedroom for it in order to avoid hanging on to the walls and spilling my cereal. Once I had been one of that mom’s that insisted you take off your shoes and keep your hands off the walls. Well, I can’t walk without my shoes or without touching every door frame, so that rule went out the window.
I used to like to get drunk in the evenings so that I could escape the day I just had. First of all, I know I’ve got it a hell of a lot better than many others and I don’t feel sorry for myself, but when you’re at the end of the your day, or sometimes in the middle of it, your world is the world. However, drinking didn’t help the walking or anything else for that matter. It became a problem. Fortunately I was able to get out of the alcohol pool from the shallow end. I go to three or four meetings a week. I’ve been in and out for two years now. Things are much better, but I miss the freedom to be able to drink. I don’t like limitations, so I guess I’m in for it and better get used to it.
The gym. I mentioned going to the gym. It has been great for me socially as well as physically. However right now I’m will say that I’m sore and tired. A good sore and tired???? Yes. With SP I’m often tired and sore, now I know that I worked hard to feel miserable.
I also have two children who are no longer children, they’re young adults. They’re all grown up and still don’t understand that a dishwasher full of clean dishes can be emptied, or that empty garbage cans can be returned to the garage, and then there are the dirty dishes about the house. I suppose the one who wobbles can put them away.
I’ve felt an empty patch in my life for some time now that I’ve tried to fill with books, watching movies, and writing essays. Last week I picked up a book to read before the movie comes out. I love to do that. Well, the book is Julie and Julia. It had begun when a young woman who was unhappy with her life decided to take on Julia Child’s cook book and blog as she went along. Apparently it opened up her world for her. I just hope to find a way to share my experiences with others who may relate to them, or may just be interested. I don’t know what to expect. That’s life, isn’t it, one day at a time. (AA