Sometimes you have to take charge.

Okay, I had stated earlier that I attended AA because I had found myself hiding in alcohol. I was gad I went there but I've come to a point were I don't wish to go. I've met some very nice people and some very strange people. I've learned that I'm not alone but much of the time I felt, well, at a loss for words. Many people's lives were destroyed by alcohol, many people nearly died. I benefited from listening and talking and taking part in the meetings. However as my legs grew worse I had found myself sitting there physically, not mentally. Actually the steps, except for the first, mean little to me. "I am powerless over alcohol.." Well, I'm powerless over life. We all are.

I've found escape and relief through activities and responsibilities at home. I haven't been to a meeting in over a week and don't know when or if I'll return. I need to talk about life not drinking. I had reached a point where I started passing instead of talking. Someone I came to know, the only other who didn't believe in religion, gave me a book called The Evolution of God. It's about the development of mankind and religions around the globe. That Anthropologist that I wanted to be when I was a kid, likes the sound of that.

So, I'm not drinking and I'm doing it on my own. It feels quite good actually. I felt bad for many of those people, yet at times I just wanted to get home where I felt I belonged.

I suppose I'm working on my own program. This blog will let you know how it's going, I'm sure.

6:50 pm

Trying To Skip Housework

Sunday I was going to do a bit of writing. I have a story that I'm working on. It will most likely always be a story that I'm working on. I like essays because character and story development boggle the mind. However I ended up sweeping the hard floors, vacuuming the house, dusting, cleaning the bathrooms, pulling out a bit of garden, ironing six shirts, and then I finished my Halloween cards. I went to bed early and didn't even read. In other words, I didn't write. (However I must admit that ironing to a fun movie is not so bad.)

I attend a writers' group each week on Wednesday. Sometime on Monday, usually in the evening, we receive two words to work with, if we choose. I have a hard time coming up with something worth while in that time frame. I've used the words in short stories, but by the time I write, read, correct, reread and correct again, I'm late for the meeting and have a slapdash piece of work to show for it. Lately I've taken to working on the story afterwards and then sending it out to interested parties. That's been fun, especially this time of year because I made them Halloween stories.

Well, today is Monday and I expect the words any time between now and 9:00, however at 9:00 I'll be watching Two and a Half Men. A few times I've complained about the time frame and getting things done. Once a member said, oh Pam, forget the house work and just write. I have a hard time with that. I can't work when I have things hanging over my head. So as on that Sunday writing doesn't often happen if I'm behind, yet with house work there's always something to be done.

My house is by no means spotless, but what I'm able to do wears me out and when I'm tired I tend to sit and stare at the screen. So reading is a better option when tired.

8:45 p.m.

He wouldn't let me give up.

Last week I started getting ready for Halloween. I already knew that getting all my fun decorations up would be challenging, but I hadn't expected how challenging. The weather had taken a quick turn to chilly and I needed some warm clothes too. So, besides the nightmare of trying on jeans, getting clothes and decorations up and down in laundry baskets was a pain in the arse. Okay, difficult.

I was smart enough to ask Marie and her boyfriend to bring up the two boxes marked Halloween. One was for the kitchen hutch and around the house the other was for the mantel. Now, I had to get all the lovely china, much of which were grandma's tea cups, down stairs in one piece. During the spring and summer I decorate the hutch with plates and tea cups with flowers on them. The china is old and delicate. I decided to multitastk and used my walker to wheel in a laundry basket of summer clothes put some china around and in them. I ended up with three baskets of clothes and china to go downstairs.

I put the baskets to the side and dusted down the hutch and started pulling out Halloween. It was great! Before too long it was done the box was empty. Bob then took the baskets down for me, where I stored away the china. I then emptied the plastic storage container and put the rest of my winter clothes on the couch so I could put summer clothes in it. I was almost done but completely whipped!!!! I was looking at a couch of sweaters and such while my feet hurt and legs ached and trembled. There was no way I was going to be able to get that stuff upstairs. I didn't even think that I would get myself upstairs.

I sat for a moment and decided to leave it. It was Tuesday which is an AA night for me, but I didn't feel like it. However, I had received a call that a friend was bringing a book for me that I was interested in. Crap, I had to go.

I went to find it crowed yet missing the only reason I came. I sat through the meet at a table of people I knew but I didn't talk. My mind wasn't there. It was at home. I was thinking about the stairs, cards I want to make, fatigue, a party I'm going to have, fatigue, and the mantel that hadn't been done yet.

When I came home Bob greeted me I started to cry. (tired) I told him that I can't do it any more. It's too much. He came over to me and told me not to worry, that we'll do the mantel together. He said people are here to help you, and to let them.

I put on my robe and curled up on the couch feeling comfortable and comforted. It's just hard to let someone help me when I've always done it myself. I don't mean my way, but independent of others. I have taken a some pride, but mostly enjoyment, in my celebration of Halloween and then there's those three Xmas trees downstairs. (that will be another blog.)

As of now the mantel is decorated and looks absolutely spooky!

Thank you Bob! You're the best thing since The Great Pumpkin.

3:45 p.m.